Just thought I would share this with you all, as it made me weep with laughter
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,
painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now... the wax.
My night began as any other normal week night. Come home, fix dinner, and
play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my
mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the
medicine cabinet."
So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold
wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in
your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg
(or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How
hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined
enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck
together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out
the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah... right!) I lay
the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair
removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair
and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back
into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my
panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply
the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right
half of my girlie bits and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek
(Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself.... RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!.... OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning,
I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip.
CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and
spotted. I think I may pass out... must stay conscious... Do I hear crashing
drums??? Breathe, breathe... OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so
much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory
that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on
it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the
hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. CRAP! I
run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered
in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake... remember
my foot is still propped up on the toilet?
I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DAMN!!!!!!! Girlie
bits? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom
trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me
need the toilet. My head may pop off!"
What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll
run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the
wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off,
right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture
prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together,
is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub... in
scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied
myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months
ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret
of how to get me undone.
It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and who-ha are glued
together to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause.
She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide
her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located,
"Are we talking cheeks or who-ha?"
She's laughing out loud by now... I can hear her. I give her the rundown
and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with
a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot
wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the
sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major
hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling
for this event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my
saving grace.... the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do
I really have to lose at this point?
I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and
scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, l but I really don't
care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!"
I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully
remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair.... THE
HAIR IS STILL THERE....... ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.
So I recklessly shave it off.
Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at
this point. Next week I'm going to try hair colour......
Bad Hair Day
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